Every morning I wake up in the middle of a dream about work. The dreams are surreal and disturbing.
I was at the height of a full manic psychosis at the point of last contact about two months ago. That is not an impression one wants to leave. It has taken a long time to slow down enough to appreciate just how agitated I have been. One can no more pull oneself out of depression than one can throw the breaks on a train running at full manic speed. And my memories of those last few weeks are hazy at best.
Technically I still have the potential of returning to work. I was a senior manager and I worked at this small not for profit agency for nine years without incident until a series of circumstances contrived to create an increasingly dysfunctional, toxic environment. And, well, long story short, the pressures took a devastating toll on my mental health. After a decade and a half of relative stability, I became ill. And as a bipolar person with a strong swing to the manic, I left in a spectacular flourish. So I have no real idea what remains for me there.
In all fairness I was paid out generous sick time and vacation pay and I do have access to a short term disability benefit that should see me through the next few months. The approval process has proceeded with typical government efficiency. But today I finally received confirmation of my application and that is a tremendous relief.
I just hope the dreams about work fade for while.
And I can spend some time reading and reflecting about where I go from here.
roughghosts 
*air punch* that’s good news!
And I’m glad you have time. After a year of (hypo)mania, you need it. V hard to let go of tendencies to control/predict the world/future/everything eh? Or is that just me.
I love reading your blog, I learn a ton. And I’m honoured that we are friends.
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Thanks. I was starting to get anxious about money. Now I need to make sure that my employer tops up the government portion to something I can live on for the next few months. Luckily I have an advocate to talk to work for me (since they won’t talk to me).
And then it will be time to get my son off to work (3 weeks sober – fingers crossed).
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They won’t talk to you?! Fine to plunder and pillage and exploit you, not fine with the fallout? Fuckers. I’m glad you have an advocate. And all the best to and for your son.
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I, too, have these dreams. With time, insight, treatment, and more time, we can walk through the destruction to the other side.
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Thanks. I really need to consider my options. The law where I live requires my employer to try to accommodate me as someone with a disability but I am not confident that it will work when I am finally considered fit to return. What really bothers me is our agency works with and advocates for adults with brain injuries (many of whom have significant mental health and addictions as well). I have also worked with a mental health agency and they were especially intolerant of staff with mental illnesses.
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I hope you have time to really explore this. The job may not fit you anymore, not the other way around.
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You are quite right. Fortunately having worked as a disability advocate for a long time I know the value of holding on to the disability benefits while I have them and really look at my best job options. I was working under an extremely stressful situation for more than a year leading up to the final break so I want to avoid that kind of an unhealthy environment.
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It is so hard to make a living and survive in this world when you suffer the attacks of your own brain. People really do not understand. It is such an invisible illness.
I hate to say that I wish my disability was a physical one instead but sometimes I feel that way. I would feel safer about keeping my job.
I hope you are able to stay afloat and always be okay financially. My thoughts are with you
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Thanks
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