Typically I love autumn – the crisper weather, the bright blue skies, the excuse to pull out sweaters. Normally this is the busiest time of the year as new programs and courses start and activities halted for the summer resume. More than New Year’s, this can be the season for resolutions, goal setting and looking forward.
Unless you are depressed.
Without the structure of work I feel lost. And unlike regular unemployment I am in a holding pattern, uncertain what type of work I may be able to return to when I do recover, if I recover, should I even recognize recovered if I meet it in myself.
I feel tired and agitated. Irritable and unfocused. I try to push myself out every day and have an exciting literary festival to look forward to in just over a week. Yet I am terrified that I have taken on more than I will be able to manage and I find myself fighting off regular amorphous panic attacks.
I feel like a wrung out dish towel. I miss having energy and enthusiasm but I have to guard against a reckless flood of these sensations lest they indicate trouble at the opposite end of the bipolar pendulum arc…
For now I am looking toward the brilliant yellows of the moment. Apparently yellow is the colour of the mind and the intellect, it lifts the spirit, stimulates creativity but can also heighten anxiety and emotional instability.
Sounds like a bipolar hue to me.
11 thoughts on “What fresh yellow is this? (With apologies to Dorothy Parker)”
Do you live close to the amazing views and hues that you photograph?
The city I live in has fantastic natural areas. I’m also only an hour from the Rocky Mountains but its expensive and I haven’t had the energy to go. These shots were taken at a dog park nearby. If you were closer we could walk there and let you dogs have a run. 🙂
I totally would.
I’ve often thought about this part of your topic. I’ve always said to myself “I have to work”. Because if I don’t have the structure, routine and social interaction of work, I will die. No drama queen, seriously. So I empathise with you in the situation you’re in. And having a long period of uncertainty is just plain traumatizing to us bipolars. Your photo’s are absolutely beautiful
I loved my work and I think I was good at it (until the hypomanic became manic) but I am still very angry at the stress I was put under and the way I was discarded when I snapped. I am still receiving short term disability income so I know well enough to really take time to heal. It depresses me that I will probably have to limit the hours and responsibility I can take on in the future because my job was so much a part of my self esteem and, sadly, my ability to delude myself about the real impact of this illness on my life.
Thanks for the compliments on my photos, it has been a struggle to find the creative energy this year but I am trying to force myself. 🙂
Autumn seems to bring my terrible friend out of hiding, too. Summers usually trick me into thinking I’m magically cured. And then the stress from money and school floods in, and BAM. I slowly realize that I’d rather wither away and die than crawl out of my bed.
Wishing nothing but the best to you, and I hope you can pull through this part of the cycle.
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School fees have gone way up since I was in school though I did have to cosign my daughter’s loan. As for the school stress I still have dreams that the term is over and I haven’t attended a single lecture or completed any assignments. But not too often. 🙂
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Oh my goodness- I am soooo in this place right now: in between work and depressed!! We can get through it!!!!!!
I feel your pain as a self employed artist who is bipolar. The shortening days are already taking their toll. I grasp at every little bit of hope or signs of hope. One day last week I was in a manic state, one of the worst I’ve experienced when a flicker struck the window. He didn’t have any visible injuries and he took up 3 hours of my time to fully recover from his concussion. The next day, he made a brief appearance while I was outside and it seemed like his return was a reminder of what is important. He took me outside of myself for those 3 hours and I was able to forget about my own struggles while I worried about him.
Flickers have a special meaning for me. I am always glad to see them. I am glad this one recovered and help distract you from your stresses.